A Third Option for Couples With Mismatched Desire
The article describes couples whose desire levels or timing differ, leaving them to choose between intercourse and no sexual contact. It proposes relational masturbation—each partner enjoying self-pleasure while physically near the other—as an additional option. The author notes that cultural shame and different socialization around masturbation can make this practice unfamiliar, but broadening a couple's sexual repertoire may increase mutual pleasure.
The article is co-written by Assael Romanelli and Galit Romanelli, drawing on their clinical experience with couples. It describes a common scenario in which one partner desires sex and the other does not, and notes that viewing sexuality as a strict choice between intercourse and nothing can intensify the problem.
The authors report asking every partner in Honest Intake sessions whether they masturbate and whether they do so beside a partner. They estimate about 70% of men masturbate, with roughly 10% beside a partner, while about 20% of women masturbate and about 5% beside a partner. These figures suggest masturbation is often excluded from shared sexual routines.
This framing may help couples who experience desire mismatch feel less stuck between intercourse and no contact. By presenting relational masturbation as a consensual option, it could reduce pressure and shame for some partners, especially those socialized to see masturbation as private or taboo. It may also prompt broader conversations about sexual repertoires, consent, and mutual pleasure, though its impact depends on relationship dynamics and cultural comfort.