How Twins Develop Separate Identities

The article describes the gradual and difficult process by which twins separate and build individual identities. It notes that non-twins may not understand twins' intense closeness and nonverbal communication, while twins can feel guilt about not sharing. Strategies that support attachment while allowing independence may reduce anger and unhappiness.

The author writes as an identical twin with both personal and professional insight. She recalls strangers asking whether she and her sister were twins, and later asking which one she was—a question she says remains painful. She also describes an ability to sense her sister’s emotions or trouble, while noting that twins’ wordless communication can be hard for outsiders to grasp.

Twins must share parental attention and space, which can blur individual identity. One twin may treat a sibling’s poor math grade as personally shameful, or assume friends and even children can be shared because the pair are duplicates. Learning that ownership is separate can provoke guilt, especially when a twin declines to share.