When Gay Men Tie Self-Worth to Achievement
Some gay men may learn to rely on achievement and appearance as protection from anti-gay rejection. The article says this need to prove worth can persist even after coming out and finding acceptance. It argues that releasing the need for approval does not mean giving up ambition or pride in good work.
The piece is by Jaron Vesely, MSW, writing for Inner Architecture, and was reviewed by Margaret Foley. It uses a childhood memory of performing songs from The Little Mermaid to illustrate how praise and accomplishment can become a way to seek family approval.
Research described in the article, inspired by Andrew Tobias’s memoir, indicated that young queer men may be more likely than straight peers to base their value on accomplishments and looks, especially after longer concealment or exposure to stigma against LGBTQ+ people.
This story could resonate with gay men who learned to tie self-worth to achievement or appearance and may help them recognize lingering approval-seeking even after acceptance. It could also encourage friends, partners, and therapists to consider how anti-gay stigma shapes ambition and self-esteem. By distinguishing self-acceptance from giving up ambition, the piece may support more balanced views of success and worth.