Why People Need to Feel Understood, Not Just Heard
The article argues that people deeply want to be understood, not merely listened to. It draws on psychologist Yael Schonbrun's work to explain that complete understanding is impossible, but the attempt still matters. The author suggests that humility, curiosity, and genuine questions help others feel understood.
Clay Drinko, Ph.D., wrote the piece, and Gary Drevitch reviewed it for a self-help section. It opens with Lisa Kudrow’s character Valerie Cherish from The Comeback, who insists on being heard, to show that people often want something deeper: to be understood. Clinical psychologist Yael Schonbrun, who teaches at Brown University, examines this need in her book Why Don’t You Understand Me?
Schonbrun observes that no one can fully enter another person’s mind or consciousness. The article therefore emphasizes modesty, inquisitiveness, and sincere questioning rather than assumptions. It recommends pausing one’s own speech, reflecting, asking questions that invite explanation, and truly absorbing another’s viewpoint without judgment or a preset plan.
This framing may resonate with people in workplaces, families, and friendships who feel dismissed despite being heard. If readers adopt more curious questioning and less assumption-making, conversations could become less adversarial and more collaborative. Mental-health professionals might also use the distinction to guide couples, patients, or groups toward empathy. Still, because full understanding is impossible, the article’s advice could risk setting unrealistic expectations if presented as a cure rather than a practice.